What if I'm Right!

I have spent my entire life worried about being wrong. I have worried my entire life about being wrong after making a decision. More than being wrong I have been afraid of getting hurt. When I think about this right now, I have to laugh a little bit because I have spent the majority of my life getting hurt. People have hurt me. This is just a fact. Sometimes I got hurt because I made decisions that lead to the pain and other times I just got hurt because people are mean and evil. This has been, I now realize, my greatest fear. I asked my boyfriend once what was his greatest fear. He told me and then returned the question. At first I couldn't think of anything, then I said, "Never getting married and giving birth." As I sit here writing this, I realize that getting hurt has always been my greatest fear and I have lived my life trying to prevent it.

Why is living a life trying to prevent pain a problem? I sit here wondering what would my life have been like, up till this point, had I lived not worrying about pain. I am a woman who believes in facing her fears. I face them everyday. But do I face them with no fear? Ah, in lies the question. Do I face my fears and not worry myself to death about whether I am going to get hurt in the end? Well, I can be honest and tell you that I worry all the time. I live in a constant state of worry. I worry about my parenting skills. Where am I going wrong? This is the ultimate question of my parenting life. Now do not get me wrong, I know I am a fabulous mother. I work really hard at it. What I am not is Perfect. That of course I know is an impossibility but it does not keep me from striving to be as close as I can be. What if he does not love me or hurts. Ooooooo this one has plagued me my entire dating life. In every relationship I have ever been in, my biggest fear has been to give all of myself to someone in love and have them take advantage and break my heart. I have worried and worried and worried over that one for years. I have had my heart broken more than once. I have been in love three times now. Two of the three have broken my heart. Number three is doing a great job of protecting it but I have found that the fear is right underneath the surface. What if I loose everything because of financial decisions? This one is tricky. I can say that for awhile it was homelessness. I've been in that position more than once. I must clarify that I have never lived on the streets. I am way to resourceful to have that happen. I always had somewhere to go, it just was not my own place. Now that has morphed into what if I loose everything? I have lost somethings and strangely I have survived. It stung to know those things were gone but I still lived.

I woke up this morning, after a really good rest, and heard my favorite Sunday sound Oprah and Super Soul Sunday. Oprah was interviewing Brene Brown. She is a shame researcher, who did a TED talk and wrote a number of fabulous books. Her two greatest books were: Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection. I have read them both and highly recommend them. As I listened to the two ladies talk, I did what I do every Sunday, I began to reflect. One I realized of all the Super Soul Sunday episodes I have seen this one is my favorite. Then I began to think about my habit of worrying about what if I am wrong. I began to think, "What if I am wrong?" What would happen if I were wrong? If I were wrong I would undoubtably experience some pain. OK! I've been there and done that, survived and bought a T-Shirt saying so.....................My mind goes blank. There is nothing there. Hmmmmmmmmmm!!!

What if? What if? What if I'm right? What if I am right about the decisions I am making that could end up bad but I am making them because I am hoping they end up good. What if my thoughts of it ending well are right? What if my visions of a fabulous loving relationship with this man is right? What if my visions of homeschooling and having a child who loves school and succeeds further than anyone ever imagined is right? What if my decision to continue to fight to have the career I believe is the career for me is the right one and I succeed grander than my haters could ever have believed? What if? What if? What if my belief in walking in faith really is the way I should be living my life instead of fearing uncertainty? I absolutely hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing the outcome of things. I hate not having control in my life and the situations around me. I preach about faith often but I fall off the wagon.

WHAT IF I AM RIGHT? What if all the good things I imagine to end up good really will? What if I could allow myself to believe and not allow fear to step in and shake things up for me? My MO is to not allow myself to enjoy the great moments in my life because I am afraid they will disappear the moment I do. I don't allow myself to get excited about things to come because I don't want to be disappointed. What are the outcomes of this habit, you may wonder? Exactly that! My fears turn into reality. Every single time. It never fails me. I was worried about life creating certain issues with my daughter. Those things I worried about became a reality. I worried about my love disappearing because I loved so hard. It became a reality. I worried about homelessness and financial struggles. It became a reality. I worried about loosing contracts and various other career driven issues. They became a reality.

WHAT IF: I actually stop, think, believe and walk through FAITH that all the good things I imagine are mine to imagine? What if I eliminate my fears and trust myself? What if I trust that I imagine good things because I deserve those things and should enjoy the gifts and blessings of our Lord because he has given them to me because he wants me to enjoy them and trust that he gave them to me for my joy and not for my pain? He gave them to me so that I could learn to trust not only him but myself. He gave them to me to learn the lessons of my life and is pushing me to allow myself to enjoy my blessings without fear or doubt of lose. Oh my! If I am right my life would be amazing. My parenting would develop a child who is not only respectful but well balanced and joyful. My love would be the great love that I have always dreamed of. My career would flourish into this amazing career that gives my soul abundance of joy and blesses me with the gift of being able to help others.

What if I believed? What if I had faith? What if I trust? What if I am right? Why continue a path of living in worry and fear? When we die will we look back and think, "Well, at least I didn't get hurt?" or would we look back on our lives and wish we dared to live greatly? I wonder! I am willing to bet that we would look back and wish we lived. Lived the journey and took it all in, the good and the bad. After all that is what living is all about.

What if? What if? 

What are your greatest fears that prevent you from living to dare greatly? Do you live daring greatly?
I want to hear your story. 

The Children They Are Exposed Too

As a parent, it is our job to protect and be cautious about who and what we expose our children too. We focus on what kind of foods they eat. What type of drinks they drink. What do they watch on TV. What kind of  people they are exposed too. What clothes they wear, etc. etc, at nausea.

I am especially cautious about the type of kids Harmonie plays with. I like to surround her with little kids who are being raised with good manners and a good education. Children who are being raised to be cautious of the world and conscious of how to change it through giving back. Children who are taught to believe in some type of higher power. I am not a Catholic that thinks our way is the only way. I'm a spiritual woman that believes there are many ways.

I sadly had to have a conversation with Harmonie the other day. I had to explain to her why I don't allow her to play with the little kids in our apartment building. We live in what some would say is the ghetto. It's a temporary situation but it is the situation. We stay in doors when we are home because our building is not a playground. That's my opinion on it. There is no playground. There is a walkway and apartments. When Harmonie wants to play I take her to the park. We have one two blocks away. The little kids in our building were out playing ball. One of the little boys took the ball then began to elbow and punch at the other little boy he was playing with. It appeared they were playing but they were very rough. There was a little girl out there also. Harmonie walked out with the kids while I locked up our apartment. By the time I got out front to her she was complaining that the little girl who may be a year or two younger was being rude and told her to shut up.  She was visibly irritated. As we began to take our walk I saw a parking space and asked Harmonie to wait by the spot while I went to get the car. When I came back she was even more pissed.

As we a walked to the store, she said the little girl was pointing a water gun at her and threatening her with it. She said she told the girl to stop but she processed. So Harmonie took the gun and threw it over a fence. Not a nice thing to do but neither is pointing a gun at a kid to taunt them.

I explained to Harmonie that I don't let her play with those little kids because they aren't very nice. They play to rough, are rude and have no manners. Their parents yell and cuss at them and call them bad names. I know this because we can hear them from our apartment. I tried to explain to her that kids that have no manners, are rude and mean do not do well in school and grow up with lots of problems. They grow up not doing well in life. I wanted her to know that her father and I wanted her to do well in life and have raised her in a way that would make that happen. She appeared to understand and agreed.

It is sad that I must have these types of conversations with her. It's a shame that we all must have these types of conversations with our children but if we don't explain these things they will succumb to peer pressure, bullying and possibly not strive to be their best. The world is not a place where we are equal. We are created equal but aren't equal. We all make choices and sometimes the choices made are not good one.

What do you think? Do you pay attention to the types of children your children are surrounded by. Is there a type of child you won't allow your kids to play with. I want to hear your stories.