My Greatest Aha to Date

I spent a lot of time working on myself. I'm 42 years old. When you turn 40, something changes in your being that makes you look at yourself and life and make changes. At 40, I found myself watching the man I love losing his freedom to his parents, by his choice. I saw myself losing everything I was use to and the man I loved. I also found myself going into homelessness with my five year old. Who and what I was and where my life was headed was not my plan and I had to come to terms with it and make some changes.

I was a very troubled child. I was molested at 6 and emotionally abused at home. I was bullied at school and in my neighborhood. I did not think anyone liked me and I thought my mother didn't love me. I had low self esteem. As an adult, I was strong and determined and well adjusted, I thought, but there were still some things that weren't right about me. I had trusted issues. I did not trust people very easily. Being loved by someone at times was unimaginable. But I have worked through most of this and am still working through it.

Tonight I was watching Oprah's Lifeclass with Bishop TD Jakes and this morning I was watching A New Earth with Oprah and Eckhart Tolle that struck a nerve. The shows brought up a phenomena that has pledged my life for years. I could be out in the world and people I've never met would pick fights with me for no reason. The question that only two really astute people in my life have ever asked is, "Why?" I have never had a reason for this problem. It has always baffled me why certain types of people do this. I've often wondered why bullies still make the attempt to bully me also, even though I no longer tolerate it. Well the answer came to me in both shows all in this one day.

You attract in your life what you feel about yourself inside. I have many emotional scars from my childhood that I am working through. I have realized in this past couple of weeks that my scars go much deeper than I could ever imagine. These scars have effected my relationships with certain people in my life. I strongly believe that I need to work through these scars and get rid of their effects if I ever plan to have a good healthy relationship with my daughter and the man I love. I can not expect my daughter to grow up to be a different child than I was if I do not model the type of child and adult I want her to be. I can not expect my relationship with the man I love to turn out the way I want it to, if I do not find a way to love myself as well as he loves me. If I can not fully receive his love how can I receive the type of relationship I want. You can not receive a great relationship if you are continuously looking over your shoulder waiting for it to end a tragic death. What you put out in the universe is what you will get. My imagination is so get, I put out a lot of stuff that is only real in my head out there, that comes back to bite me in the butt.

I believe that the way to personal growth is to dig deep and discover who you truly are inside. You have to learn to except yourself for who you really are not for who people have always told you you are. Kids use to tell me almost everyday that I was ugly. It took me years to erase that belief and except that I am really a beautiful woman on the outside not just the inside. I have to stop believing sub-consciously what every one has told me my entire life about myself and start believing the truth. It is amazing how difficult it is to believe the truth,
I have to say, but I have to work my hardest to try.

For all of those people out there that find negative patterns repeating in your life over and over again as if the universe hates you, take a look deep inside at what you truly think of you and change it. We all attract to ourselves what we believe about ourselves deep down inside. If you do not believe you deserve a healthy, loving relationship, you will always end up with crappy ones. Deep down inside me, I still am that bullied, unloved little girl who has had countless people abuse her, use her and leave her stranded and alone to fend for herself.

Part of enlightening growth and healing is being honest with yourself about what is going on deep down inside. I am taking a clear, honest look and making changes as I go along. I do this not alone, but with the knowledge that God is carrying me every step of the way.

What are your thoughts?